I see me

One of the Royal parks in the middle of the town. smack bang in middle of London. I see a bench. In a park, with leaves that are half orange in colour and clinging to them this cliché rustling sound. Is this bench the ugly chic in a bar? Neglected. Its just another one amongst quite a few. Its just another brick in the wall. Too bad, I get a feeling I shall oblige it. Let me walk over and rest my ass.

Now as I sit on this considerate yet indifferent piece of sitting material, I know I am supposed to do the human 'thinking'’ To look at the rest of the world as if I were a mere spectator, and in a very showbiz style imagine and analyse the mediocrity around me. I have this obligation I feel. I should come to terms with me. I should make myself realize. Well, and guess what..it does dawn on me that we all are actually two people. One guy that ‘does’, and the other that merely watches the other guy doing as things take their course . Yes, there are two separate beings within. I get it I can watch me. Well this other guy who gawks at me is obviously uncomfortable whenever we are in proximity. Grossly. I can make that out. Whenever I bump into him on instances like wining alone on a bench in a a park, its quite awkward. At times he’s shy, but most of the times I am when confronting him.

When I do the math in my mind for all the acts I have put together uptill hence, I can well make out, I have let down this other gentleman big time. But because this other person has a body only in me, people wouldn’t be able to gauge my embarrassments in frequent rendezvous with him. Sometimes he also sits with me while other real people are. Other real people who are decent, or at least, seemingly in the math of life.

Nonetheless, I have this knack of knowingly overlooking him, but still using his feedback for defending the dismal performance of the ‘doer’ guy . It basically boils down to the ‘actions’ that I do. And those actions are inevitably executed by the guy more in synch with the ways of people.

Rationalizing it further, this would sound to be some callous banter, to avoid committing fruitful, yielding actions. Perhaps yes, but I would like to believe the guy who watches and embarrasses me. Also because he has a sense of sarcasm,and is breezily witty. I so want to stick with him. But the thing is the bastard is not very revealing of his own ideas or acts. I mean I could walk with him , but I do not know what would lie like half a mile ahead. Terribly uncertain is he. While the other one is so comfortably almost numb in doing what he does, simply because he’s quite translucent about his ways. I know where about he’s treading. If those paths do not confirm to me, it is a completely separate question. But this one knows his way out, and that is what perhaps makes me biased towards myself. My fellow human beings howsoever close will usually not comprehend this dichotomy. But then not everybody has two people in them. Not everybody is pissed off with themselves.